So, tonight, I was on a late night stroll with my roommate, Zach, smoking cigars. We're talking about the everyday subjects guys like to touch on when doing manly things like this together. What else? Girls. We're doing a couple laps and I get on a tangent.
"Zach, I have the worst luck," I say. "The universe really just screws me over."
And we're walking, puffing away, and I explain my conundrum. This is the part where I am going to be purposefully vague (as futile as it is). I talk about a girl I met, a beautiful, fantastic person. Really, she's wonderful. Witty, pretty, affable. I moan and groan about missing my chance (if I ever had any) with her. She's with a guy now; it's Facebook official and everything. Zach laughs at my predicament. He's not a bad person. Guys just tend to laugh at other guys' problems.
"You know, they're probably in there right now, humpin'," I say. I'm not being crude (well, maybe a little bit); it's all for the sake of humor.
We laugh. Then, forgive me my language, but as better people than I have put it before, the shit hit the fan.
Who else happens to be walking up the catwalk stairs than the subject of our conversation.
I see her, and I swear to you, she recognized me and I'm about 90% sure she had heard everything. I drop my cigar and start power-walking down the catwalk like an amped up squirrel. Every inch I put in between her and my embarrassed self was not far enough.
Zach just laughs his butt off at me and I don't begrudge him. He catches up with me and asks what happened and I explain. He laughs some more. It was pretty darn'd funny. I was so embarrassed.
In retrospect, it probably wasn't as epic of a fail as I envisioned it, but if my face could turn red it would have. Here I am thinking I'm a pretty nice guy myself and then I get caught red-handed, pants-at-my-ankles by someone I always hoped had a positive image of me in her head.
So, in the likelihood, you see this (and you will know who you are), consider this my very public apology.
I should really know better, and in my defense, I was about halfway with that cigar. I'm not really sure if tobacco affects your mental processes, but it probably does. Honestly, I'm a better person than this. If my photographic apology isn't enough, I hope this song helps.
I will look back on this as one of my more embarrassing moments of the year and will probably tell the story countless times. So, person-who-this-story-is-about, I also have to personally thank you for giving me one of my best college tales yet.
And in the slight likelihood that you never heard anything I said, and by writing this post I have thus revealed everything, well...
Fuck me, right?